Somewhere, out there, is someone I will probably fall in love with. Maybe not exactly at that moment when I see them, but maybe after our first conversation. Or our second date. Is it possible that we are never...fit for the "one"?
It's been a long time since I've believed in a soulmate. Maybe I've fallen in and out of love too many times; if I have, why do I gravitate to the idea of one? Could that be one of the defining characteristics of our human nature? Fully conscious of a damaged imperfect world but believing in something that isn't. I suppose that's hope.
Some philosophers would say that we are in the process of moving towards a more perfect existence. Granted, a slow process, but where and at what moment do we find life fully fulfilling? It has to have happened to someone at some point in history.
Sorrow, sadness, loneliness. No one is excluded from the privilege of these feelings. They mean you're alive and there is something out there that has yet to be discovered for you to feel fulfilled.
Currently, I'm living out in the Northeast. The weather is quite different from my native southern California, but life has become more rich...more colorful. It's autumn and leaves have been changing color for some time now. Brilliant shades of yellow and red light up my drives around town. I feel enriched, hopeful, but still a little lonely. When it comes to that, should I give up or should I keep chasing pavements?*
*excuse the weird contemplative post. I'm drunk and I've been listening to sad love songs.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Dating in our Modern Age
It's safe to say that technology has changed the dynamic of dating. A few examples:
1. I knew a couple who lived far apart while in school but they would have "study dates". They would sign on to video chat and sit there quietly while they studied, occasionally glancing up to see their partner studying at their desk.
2. You hear about it as a joke, maybe from a friend or on tv, but people have ended relationships over modern technologies(I am guilty of this). Years ago, it would have been offensive and inconsiderate to break up over the phone, but now that seems to be the standard. And in the past year I've heard several others tell me about their breakups that occurred through text, email and (gasp) through facebook status changes.
3. When was the last time you received a hand written letter in the mail(the box outside your home) from a loved one?
Dating/matchmaking is no new concept. It's probably the earliest rituals of our species. But we are the first generation to have grown up with so many technologies that connect us with so many people and I feel that some of us hasn't adapted well on the dating front.
Take a look at your parents' generation. If they're anything like mine, all of the people you know that are that age have been or are married. Some of them may have been fat, some ugly, some just plain old crazy, but almost all of them got married at some point. Every town that previous generation grew up in had the weirdo, the nerd, the jocks, etc, but somehow despite the advent of technologies that provides us with a constant and infinite number of connections, people complain that they can't find anyone.
I think most perpetually single people have adapted to the internet life in two ways. One group finds safety in the availability of so many connections at their disposal and never seriously pursue something deeper because they fear that something better might come along. Sure they might be very social but never open to a deeper connection, a real soulful connection. Others have immersed themselves in their technologies, constantly staying in contact through the new mediums (email, fb, chat, text, etc) and their social, real life confidence has deteriorated. They are left socially awkward, insecure, and single.
Ultimately this comes down to the way technologies has influenced the way we pick our mates. With so much information at our disposal, our own identities get lost in what countless advice columnists tell us is important. The multiplicity of connections and resources has caused a multiplicity in our priorities and criteria for our mate. Confused by all those things we think we want, we never decide on "the one" because he/she will never fit perfectly because we no longer are true to ourselves.
There is that modern maxim that says, "people on dating website are crazy or weird" which always seems to be the excuse for not looking online. But I think deep down inside we're all afraid of being faced with the realization that we are, in fact, weird or crazy. The truth is, we're all weird or crazy to someone else out there. We're just trying to find the person that finds it lovable.
I feel like I was all over the place with this post, but the point is, don't lose yourself in all of this madness. Find one, two, or maybe three things that are imperative to you in a relationship and find those people, "the one" is probably there looking for you as well.
1. I knew a couple who lived far apart while in school but they would have "study dates". They would sign on to video chat and sit there quietly while they studied, occasionally glancing up to see their partner studying at their desk.
2. You hear about it as a joke, maybe from a friend or on tv, but people have ended relationships over modern technologies(I am guilty of this). Years ago, it would have been offensive and inconsiderate to break up over the phone, but now that seems to be the standard. And in the past year I've heard several others tell me about their breakups that occurred through text, email and (gasp) through facebook status changes.
3. When was the last time you received a hand written letter in the mail(the box outside your home) from a loved one?
Dating/matchmaking is no new concept. It's probably the earliest rituals of our species. But we are the first generation to have grown up with so many technologies that connect us with so many people and I feel that some of us hasn't adapted well on the dating front.
Take a look at your parents' generation. If they're anything like mine, all of the people you know that are that age have been or are married. Some of them may have been fat, some ugly, some just plain old crazy, but almost all of them got married at some point. Every town that previous generation grew up in had the weirdo, the nerd, the jocks, etc, but somehow despite the advent of technologies that provides us with a constant and infinite number of connections, people complain that they can't find anyone.
I think most perpetually single people have adapted to the internet life in two ways. One group finds safety in the availability of so many connections at their disposal and never seriously pursue something deeper because they fear that something better might come along. Sure they might be very social but never open to a deeper connection, a real soulful connection. Others have immersed themselves in their technologies, constantly staying in contact through the new mediums (email, fb, chat, text, etc) and their social, real life confidence has deteriorated. They are left socially awkward, insecure, and single.
Ultimately this comes down to the way technologies has influenced the way we pick our mates. With so much information at our disposal, our own identities get lost in what countless advice columnists tell us is important. The multiplicity of connections and resources has caused a multiplicity in our priorities and criteria for our mate. Confused by all those things we think we want, we never decide on "the one" because he/she will never fit perfectly because we no longer are true to ourselves.
There is that modern maxim that says, "people on dating website are crazy or weird" which always seems to be the excuse for not looking online. But I think deep down inside we're all afraid of being faced with the realization that we are, in fact, weird or crazy. The truth is, we're all weird or crazy to someone else out there. We're just trying to find the person that finds it lovable.
I feel like I was all over the place with this post, but the point is, don't lose yourself in all of this madness. Find one, two, or maybe three things that are imperative to you in a relationship and find those people, "the one" is probably there looking for you as well.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Being a Man
Recently, I met up with an ex for some drinks. As rare as it is, we have been able to cultivate a close and supportive friendship after having dated. She was distraught over how she couldn't "read" the man she has been currently dating. After having asked her a few detailed questions about their interactions, I concluded to her that he was either a) not being a man or b) attempting to turn her into some sort of booty call.
Ladies, if a man consistently suggests "hanging out" at his place over activities in public or things you want to do he's most likely just trying to take things to an intimate level with as little work as possible put into it. He's either lazy or doesn't know how to take the lead in this fledgling relationship, whatever it may be.
As far as this blog goes, my opinions on being man are mainly about the early, early stages of a relationship. Maybe I'll write about being a man in other stages of a relationship later on. For now we will stick with the establishing of a relationship.
I like romantic comedies. And I would hate to quote one since it may diminish my credibility as a male opinion, but they are spoken by Wolverine. In the film Kate and Leopold, a character named Charlie gets the phone # of a girl he is interested and he decides to call right away to leave a message on her answering machine so the "ball's in her court." Hugh Jackman replies, "The point is, to keep the ball in your court."
Gentlemen, present yourself as such. A gentleman. And then be a man and be open about what you want. If you want a booty call, seduce her and if she's not having it, then move on to someone who will. If you like a girl, then tell her. It doesn't have to be kindergarten playground style(throwing sand in their hair and yelling "I like you!" as you run away) but you as an individual can find your own appropriate way of doing it. Just make sure it's clear. I've become suspicious that men have learned to use ambiguous tactics just to so they can save face if they were to be rejected. So at the first sight of a possible rejection they can say something like, "what? you think I was hitting on you? C'mon, we're just friends, hahaha." Then they can walk away without feeling too exposed or vulnerable to a woman's rejection. Being a man not only means you are decisive person with a plan but a person that can handle the rejections that are inevitable for everyone in these endeavors. I'm sure even George Clooney and Brad Pitt have experienced their fair share of rejection (I hope...).
Whether you're looking for a one night stand or someone to grow old with, don't be a pussy. Be a man.
Ladies, if a man consistently suggests "hanging out" at his place over activities in public or things you want to do he's most likely just trying to take things to an intimate level with as little work as possible put into it. He's either lazy or doesn't know how to take the lead in this fledgling relationship, whatever it may be.
As far as this blog goes, my opinions on being man are mainly about the early, early stages of a relationship. Maybe I'll write about being a man in other stages of a relationship later on. For now we will stick with the establishing of a relationship.
I like romantic comedies. And I would hate to quote one since it may diminish my credibility as a male opinion, but they are spoken by Wolverine. In the film Kate and Leopold, a character named Charlie gets the phone # of a girl he is interested and he decides to call right away to leave a message on her answering machine so the "ball's in her court." Hugh Jackman replies, "The point is, to keep the ball in your court."
Gentlemen, present yourself as such. A gentleman. And then be a man and be open about what you want. If you want a booty call, seduce her and if she's not having it, then move on to someone who will. If you like a girl, then tell her. It doesn't have to be kindergarten playground style(throwing sand in their hair and yelling "I like you!" as you run away) but you as an individual can find your own appropriate way of doing it. Just make sure it's clear. I've become suspicious that men have learned to use ambiguous tactics just to so they can save face if they were to be rejected. So at the first sight of a possible rejection they can say something like, "what? you think I was hitting on you? C'mon, we're just friends, hahaha." Then they can walk away without feeling too exposed or vulnerable to a woman's rejection. Being a man not only means you are decisive person with a plan but a person that can handle the rejections that are inevitable for everyone in these endeavors. I'm sure even George Clooney and Brad Pitt have experienced their fair share of rejection (I hope...).
Whether you're looking for a one night stand or someone to grow old with, don't be a pussy. Be a man.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Chivalry gets a punch in the face
I've heard many women complain about how chivalry is dead. And I have to agree with them to a certain degree, but it's not just the male gender that is to blame. Many factors are at play here. Our culture, media, and, yes, even women are partially to blame.
I try to be a gentleman for the most part. In high school I bought a little book on how to be a gentleman. It was full of detailed tips on behavior and things to say in a variety of situations. Some of them just seemed a little absurd. I was not going to be sending a hand written note thanking my friend for having invited me to their kegger, which I barely remember anyhow. Seeing as I live in socal and puddles are nearly non-existent, taking off my cloak and laying it on the ground so a woman can walk over it was not gonna happen either(did people seriously do this?). I once attempted to pull out the chair for my date only to realize I was tugging on a booth. I don't even try anymore with that one. I will, however, help put on/off a woman's jacket, or offer my arm to an elderly woman on the steps. Am I a gentleman? Probably not since I'm not as consistent with this behavior as I used to be.
At some point I realized I was being unnecessarily gentlemanly to women who were not lady-like at all. On one particular first date, I don't even remember who it was but the kitchen messed up her order and upon her realization she just blurted out, "What the fuck?!" Immediately, I knew that I did not want to raise children with this woman. On another occasion I witnessed a man hitting a woman. I jumped in between them and a few onlookers restrained the man while i turned to the woman to see if she was ok. The woman with a look of trauma that immediately turned to rage punched me in the face. I was in disbelief. People standing around us just had a blank look on their face trying to figure out who I was and why she had punched me. By the way, she was wearing a ring and it left a cut on my face.
The moral of this blog? I'm not sure if there is one, but I'd like to tell you that it's important to treat others in the way you would like to be treated. The woman that punched me probably treats others in a way that makes them want to punch her. And when you're out there trying to find a suitable life partner, watch closely how they treat strangers because when the relationship is strained or they just aren't in a good mood that's the treatment you could expect from them.
I try to be a gentleman for the most part. In high school I bought a little book on how to be a gentleman. It was full of detailed tips on behavior and things to say in a variety of situations. Some of them just seemed a little absurd. I was not going to be sending a hand written note thanking my friend for having invited me to their kegger, which I barely remember anyhow. Seeing as I live in socal and puddles are nearly non-existent, taking off my cloak and laying it on the ground so a woman can walk over it was not gonna happen either(did people seriously do this?). I once attempted to pull out the chair for my date only to realize I was tugging on a booth. I don't even try anymore with that one. I will, however, help put on/off a woman's jacket, or offer my arm to an elderly woman on the steps. Am I a gentleman? Probably not since I'm not as consistent with this behavior as I used to be.
At some point I realized I was being unnecessarily gentlemanly to women who were not lady-like at all. On one particular first date, I don't even remember who it was but the kitchen messed up her order and upon her realization she just blurted out, "What the fuck?!" Immediately, I knew that I did not want to raise children with this woman. On another occasion I witnessed a man hitting a woman. I jumped in between them and a few onlookers restrained the man while i turned to the woman to see if she was ok. The woman with a look of trauma that immediately turned to rage punched me in the face. I was in disbelief. People standing around us just had a blank look on their face trying to figure out who I was and why she had punched me. By the way, she was wearing a ring and it left a cut on my face.
The moral of this blog? I'm not sure if there is one, but I'd like to tell you that it's important to treat others in the way you would like to be treated. The woman that punched me probably treats others in a way that makes them want to punch her. And when you're out there trying to find a suitable life partner, watch closely how they treat strangers because when the relationship is strained or they just aren't in a good mood that's the treatment you could expect from them.
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