Romance and The Pole

I went out on a first date a long time ago.  Typical dinner and drinks kind of date.  The date ended well...as we were leaving a strip club.  No, my date was not a stripper or exotic dancer, if you prefer that terminology.  Anyway, it goes to show, that if you're perceptive, flexible and keep things light, a date can go just about anywhere.

Going on a date to a strip club may not be the worst idea, but that depends on the girls.  But I do not recommend ever dating a stripper/exotic dancer.  As Chris Rock says, it is every father's priority to keep their daughters "off the pole."  If they ended up working the pole anyway, something went wrong.  Either life just handed them some crappy hands or they made too many bad decisions after another.  Neither is a good candidate for a serious long-term relationship.  First off, you're competing with a pole(s).  Her workday(night) consists of having a pole between her legs or countless men.  I don't care what you say, I don't believe a man can wrap their heads around that in a healthy way.  Second, you're competing with her history.  If you're the type that wants to "fix" or take care of the other, you'll always be working to keep this type of thing under control.  If marriage and family gets in the mix, can you keep up with that history of hers staying away from your future?  There's really no guarantee you can get her off the pole either, the money is usually pretty good and they get comfortable with that lifestyle/income.  Relationships are complicated as it is and the jealousy, history, moral ambiguity is something that should be avoided if possible.  If you're just trying to have fun, then fuck away!  Just be aware that you may get a bill in the morning ;)

Anyway, I don't have that much experience with this stuff, but if you know that I do, then keep it shut.  There are distinct lines between lust, sex, love, romance, business, money and all the rest.  Just make sure you keep them in their rightful places and don't mistake one for other things.  

First Date Dues and Dunce

Dating is something you learn to do and the best/only place to start this learning process is on first dates.  God knows I have plenty of experience in this, but sometimes learning is hard.  Part of the problem is the thinking that "this time it'll be different."  And you go about rehearsing the same date as the last, even down to the same restaurant (because it's convenient and nice enough without being pretentious).  


If you've been on a lot of first dates like me, you've probably hit that defeatist wall.  "What's the point?" you ask yourself.  "It's just going to be the same awkward uncomfortable dinner with small semblances of chemistry, but not enough to see them again."  Now, I don't claim to be a guru of love, in fact, I think I may have a learning disability.  But I will share what I have been able to learn about first dates.  


1.  It's okay to have an opinion.  If you're a guy, date plans probably should reflect the type of person you are.  Attempting to reenact someone else' first date success story sets you and your date up for disappoint (I've attempted this before with ego-shattering results).  Girls, if you don't like Thai food and he took you to his favorite Thai restaurant tell him, just be polite and flexible about it.  Compatibility isn't as much about similarities as it is about how the two of you handle differences.  


2.  Be honest, but not too honest.  On a first date, I asked the girl what she liked to do for fun.  Her reply: "drink."  That was it...  Now, you might be thinking that she wasn't interested and was trying to sabotage the date, but she did show interest in seeing me again (and we did go out on a second date).  Anyway, she decided to be brutally honest.  The other option was to lie.  Before you go on a date, I think it's important to evaluate yourself, your life and your qualities.  Present those as best you can without having to lie.  She could have talked about things she thought might be fun that she would be willing to try.  I'm sure everyone has some of these (and they're good sources for future date ideas).  


3.  Don't take it too seriously.  A date is memorable because it's fun.  A fancy, over-the-top dinner may be memorable.  You'll remember the dinner, but years later you may not remember the date's name.  Putting too much pressure on yourself is an obstruction between you and a good time.  Even if things don't work out, you might make a friend.


That's pretty much all I've got.  Everyone's different, so there's probably lots of different opinions on first dates, but I think these three are fairly universal.  Anyway, like I said, dating is a learning process and there's no better way to learn than by doing.  It's not always easy to find someone to fall in love (or bed) with, but continuing to date is part of the process.  You live and learn, you pay your dues and you find your own style that is lovable.


I think I've gotten a little preachy with my posts here, so I think I'm gonna try to include more of my own date experiences.  A second date blog post is coming soon too. 

Romantics vs. Realists

I'm not really sure where this blog entry is going, but I think this needs to be addressed.  

Whether you think you're a romantic or a realist, or one of the two but really the other, the easiest indicator for what you are is to look at your decisions in regards to relational circumstances.  Realists face the facts and make a logical decision for possibility of that relationship.  Romantics urgently pursue and attempt to overcome any and all obstacles like it was their last chance at happiness.  

If you don't feel like you're one of these two in particular, that's because there is a secondary element that factors into it.  That is pessimism and optimism.  I think this can be best illustrated by a graph.  

Well, there it is.  I think that's pretty much self explanatory and a little too revealing of my own personal emotional roller-coaster.  I'm not arguing one is better than the other, but it's probably a good idea to keep some distance from the lower pessimistic region.  Keep this graph in mind when considering what type of person you are and be the realist/optimist, realist/pessimist, romantic/optimist, or romantic/pessimist that you were meant to be. 

Note:  two people in similar sectors/areas on this graph does not automatically mean compatibility.  In fact, it could be complete incompatibility to be in the same area in some cases.

Jaded

I used to wonder if I were jaded.  I'd see others and you can tell right away that they were jaded.  I wasn't like them, maybe at some point I was, but that had passed.  I was, in my complete conscious awareness, happy with being single.  And not happy in a way that meant I liked being alone, but I was happy because no other romantic addition could improve it.

Maybe that, in of itself, is another subversive version of being jaded.  Of course happy moments come and go, and those moments are best when shared with people you care about, of which I am in no short supply.  But is there a segment of your heart that is left wanting?  But you ignore it due to complications from past experiences and you are naturally averted from entering into that process of thought.

Somehow both believing in love and not are acts of self-denial.  To believe in love is to deny and, in some cases, defy some area of logic.  To be apathetic would be to ignore the gentle draw of that vacant area of your passions.

To be jaded in regards to love and relationships is to feel apathetic, unenthusiastic, or ambivalent towards the prospects of some romantic level of connecting.  At times it may feel hopeless.  I believe we've all been there.  That terrifying thought of never feeling that weird uncontrollable passion again...and it overwhelms you.  You spend quiet lonely moments grazing the field of broken, tainted memories.  The perfect hopes of some bizarre universe where all dreams come true are rendered worthless, futile.  You press on, hoping to emerge once again with that lost innocence, that ability to feel that pure irresistible bliss.

Love, just as most things in life, is a journey, and journeys are never a straight line.  I'm looking out my window today and it's cold, dreary, grey.  Snowbanks have become filthy from the brake dust of cars meandering through the city streets.  And today is considered nice.

It will happen.  Don't give up.  One day that person will enter your life as no one else has ever before.  You feel a cold tense sweat come on because your heart is suddenly drenched in adrenaline.  Smiling without knowing it, tingling in your veins, unconscious fantasizing of your affections.  Nerves on edge, impatience, a dull gentle longing that you can't shake.  If, after all that tribulation you've been through, you find yourself hopelessly hopeful, you're probably worth the love of that other person.

Chasing Pavements

Somewhere, out there, is someone I will probably fall in love with.  Maybe not exactly at that moment when I see them, but maybe after our first conversation.  Or our second date.  Is it possible that we are never...fit for the "one"? 

It's been a long time since I've believed in a soulmate.  Maybe I've fallen in and out of love too many times; if I have, why do I gravitate to the idea of one?  Could that be one of the defining characteristics of our human nature?  Fully conscious of a damaged imperfect world but believing in something that isn't.  I suppose that's hope. 

Some philosophers would say that we are in the process of moving towards a more perfect existence.  Granted, a slow process, but where and at what moment do we find life fully fulfilling?  It has to have happened to someone at some point in history.

Sorrow, sadness, loneliness.  No one is excluded from the privilege of these feelings.  They mean you're alive and there is something out there that has yet to be discovered for you to feel fulfilled.

Currently, I'm living out in the Northeast.  The weather is quite different from my native southern California, but life has become more rich...more colorful.  It's autumn and leaves have been changing color for some time now.  Brilliant shades of yellow and red light up my drives around town.  I feel enriched, hopeful, but still a little lonely.  When it comes to that, should I give up or should I keep chasing pavements?*



*excuse the weird contemplative post.  I'm drunk and I've been listening to sad love songs.  

Dating in our Modern Age

It's safe to say that technology has changed the dynamic of dating.  A few examples:
1.  I knew a couple who lived far apart while in school but they would have "study dates".  They would sign on to video chat and sit there quietly while they studied, occasionally glancing up to see their partner studying at their desk.
2.  You hear about it as a joke, maybe from a friend or on tv, but people have ended relationships over modern technologies(I am guilty of this).  Years ago, it would have been offensive and inconsiderate to break up over the phone, but now that seems to be the standard.  And in the past year I've heard several others tell me about their breakups that occurred through text, email and (gasp) through facebook status changes.
3.  When was the last time you received a hand written letter in the mail(the box outside your home) from a loved one?

Dating/matchmaking is no new concept.  It's probably the earliest rituals of our species.  But we are the first generation to have grown up with so many technologies that connect us with so many people and I feel that some of us hasn't adapted well on the dating front.

Take a look at your parents' generation.  If they're anything like mine, all of the people you know that are that age have been or are married.  Some of them may have been fat, some ugly, some just plain old crazy, but almost all of them got married at some point.  Every town that previous generation grew up in had the weirdo, the nerd, the jocks, etc, but somehow despite the advent of technologies that provides us with a constant and infinite number of connections, people complain that they can't find anyone.  

I think most perpetually single people have adapted to the internet life in two ways.  One group finds safety in the availability of so many connections at their disposal and never seriously pursue something deeper because they fear that something better might come along.  Sure they might be very social but never open to a deeper connection, a real soulful connection.  Others have immersed themselves in their technologies, constantly staying in contact through the new mediums (email, fb, chat, text, etc) and their social, real life confidence has deteriorated.  They are left socially awkward, insecure, and single.

Ultimately this comes down to the way technologies has influenced the way we pick our mates.  With so much information at our disposal, our own identities get lost in what countless advice columnists tell us is important.  The multiplicity of connections and resources has caused a multiplicity in our priorities and criteria for our mate.  Confused by all those things we think we want, we never decide on "the one" because he/she will never fit perfectly because we no longer are true to ourselves. 

There is that modern maxim that says, "people on dating website are crazy or weird" which always seems to be the excuse for not looking online.  But I think deep down inside we're all afraid of being faced with the realization that we are, in fact, weird or crazy.  The truth is, we're all weird or crazy to someone else out there.  We're just trying to find the person that finds it lovable. 

I feel like I was all over the place with this post, but the point is, don't lose yourself in all of this madness.  Find one, two, or maybe three things that are imperative to you in a relationship and find those people, "the one" is probably there looking for you as well. 

Being a Man

Recently, I met up with an ex for some drinks.  As rare as it is, we have been able to cultivate a close and supportive friendship after having dated.  She was distraught over how she couldn't "read" the man she has been currently dating.  After having asked her a few detailed questions about their interactions, I concluded to her that he was either a) not being a man or b) attempting to turn her into some sort of booty call.

Ladies, if a man consistently suggests "hanging out" at his place over activities in public or things you want to do he's most likely just trying to take things to an intimate level with as little work as possible put into it.  He's either lazy or doesn't know how to take the lead in this fledgling relationship, whatever it may be. 

As far as this blog goes, my opinions on being man are mainly about the early, early stages of a relationship. Maybe I'll write about being a man in other stages of a relationship later on.  For now we will stick with the establishing of a relationship. 

I like romantic comedies.  And I would hate to quote one since it may diminish my credibility as a male opinion, but they are spoken by Wolverine.  In the film Kate and Leopold, a character named Charlie gets the phone # of a girl he is interested and he decides to call right away to leave a message on her answering machine so the "ball's in her court."  Hugh Jackman replies, "The point is, to keep the ball in your court."

Gentlemen, present yourself as such.  A gentleman. And then be a man and be open about what you want.  If you want a booty call, seduce her and if she's not having it, then move on to someone who will.  If you like a girl, then tell her.  It doesn't have to be kindergarten playground style(throwing sand in their hair and yelling "I like you!" as you run away) but you as an individual can find your own appropriate way of doing it.  Just make sure it's clear.  I've become suspicious that men have learned to use ambiguous tactics just to so they can save face if they were to be rejected.  So at the first sight of a possible rejection they can say something like, "what?  you think I was hitting on you?  C'mon, we're just friends, hahaha."  Then they can walk away without feeling too exposed or vulnerable to a woman's rejection.  Being a man not only means you are decisive person with a plan but a person that can handle the rejections that are inevitable for everyone in these endeavors.  I'm sure even George Clooney and Brad Pitt have experienced their fair share of rejection (I hope...).

Whether you're looking for a one night stand or someone to grow old with, don't be a pussy.  Be a man.