Romance and The Pole

I went out on a first date a long time ago.  Typical dinner and drinks kind of date.  The date ended well...as we were leaving a strip club.  No, my date was not a stripper or exotic dancer, if you prefer that terminology.  Anyway, it goes to show, that if you're perceptive, flexible and keep things light, a date can go just about anywhere.

Going on a date to a strip club may not be the worst idea, but that depends on the girls.  But I do not recommend ever dating a stripper/exotic dancer.  As Chris Rock says, it is every father's priority to keep their daughters "off the pole."  If they ended up working the pole anyway, something went wrong.  Either life just handed them some crappy hands or they made too many bad decisions after another.  Neither is a good candidate for a serious long-term relationship.  First off, you're competing with a pole(s).  Her workday(night) consists of having a pole between her legs or countless men.  I don't care what you say, I don't believe a man can wrap their heads around that in a healthy way.  Second, you're competing with her history.  If you're the type that wants to "fix" or take care of the other, you'll always be working to keep this type of thing under control.  If marriage and family gets in the mix, can you keep up with that history of hers staying away from your future?  There's really no guarantee you can get her off the pole either, the money is usually pretty good and they get comfortable with that lifestyle/income.  Relationships are complicated as it is and the jealousy, history, moral ambiguity is something that should be avoided if possible.  If you're just trying to have fun, then fuck away!  Just be aware that you may get a bill in the morning ;)

Anyway, I don't have that much experience with this stuff, but if you know that I do, then keep it shut.  There are distinct lines between lust, sex, love, romance, business, money and all the rest.  Just make sure you keep them in their rightful places and don't mistake one for other things.  

First Date Dues and Dunce

Dating is something you learn to do and the best/only place to start this learning process is on first dates.  God knows I have plenty of experience in this, but sometimes learning is hard.  Part of the problem is the thinking that "this time it'll be different."  And you go about rehearsing the same date as the last, even down to the same restaurant (because it's convenient and nice enough without being pretentious).  


If you've been on a lot of first dates like me, you've probably hit that defeatist wall.  "What's the point?" you ask yourself.  "It's just going to be the same awkward uncomfortable dinner with small semblances of chemistry, but not enough to see them again."  Now, I don't claim to be a guru of love, in fact, I think I may have a learning disability.  But I will share what I have been able to learn about first dates.  


1.  It's okay to have an opinion.  If you're a guy, date plans probably should reflect the type of person you are.  Attempting to reenact someone else' first date success story sets you and your date up for disappoint (I've attempted this before with ego-shattering results).  Girls, if you don't like Thai food and he took you to his favorite Thai restaurant tell him, just be polite and flexible about it.  Compatibility isn't as much about similarities as it is about how the two of you handle differences.  


2.  Be honest, but not too honest.  On a first date, I asked the girl what she liked to do for fun.  Her reply: "drink."  That was it...  Now, you might be thinking that she wasn't interested and was trying to sabotage the date, but she did show interest in seeing me again (and we did go out on a second date).  Anyway, she decided to be brutally honest.  The other option was to lie.  Before you go on a date, I think it's important to evaluate yourself, your life and your qualities.  Present those as best you can without having to lie.  She could have talked about things she thought might be fun that she would be willing to try.  I'm sure everyone has some of these (and they're good sources for future date ideas).  


3.  Don't take it too seriously.  A date is memorable because it's fun.  A fancy, over-the-top dinner may be memorable.  You'll remember the dinner, but years later you may not remember the date's name.  Putting too much pressure on yourself is an obstruction between you and a good time.  Even if things don't work out, you might make a friend.


That's pretty much all I've got.  Everyone's different, so there's probably lots of different opinions on first dates, but I think these three are fairly universal.  Anyway, like I said, dating is a learning process and there's no better way to learn than by doing.  It's not always easy to find someone to fall in love (or bed) with, but continuing to date is part of the process.  You live and learn, you pay your dues and you find your own style that is lovable.


I think I've gotten a little preachy with my posts here, so I think I'm gonna try to include more of my own date experiences.  A second date blog post is coming soon too. 

Romantics vs. Realists

I'm not really sure where this blog entry is going, but I think this needs to be addressed.  

Whether you think you're a romantic or a realist, or one of the two but really the other, the easiest indicator for what you are is to look at your decisions in regards to relational circumstances.  Realists face the facts and make a logical decision for possibility of that relationship.  Romantics urgently pursue and attempt to overcome any and all obstacles like it was their last chance at happiness.  

If you don't feel like you're one of these two in particular, that's because there is a secondary element that factors into it.  That is pessimism and optimism.  I think this can be best illustrated by a graph.  

Well, there it is.  I think that's pretty much self explanatory and a little too revealing of my own personal emotional roller-coaster.  I'm not arguing one is better than the other, but it's probably a good idea to keep some distance from the lower pessimistic region.  Keep this graph in mind when considering what type of person you are and be the realist/optimist, realist/pessimist, romantic/optimist, or romantic/pessimist that you were meant to be. 

Note:  two people in similar sectors/areas on this graph does not automatically mean compatibility.  In fact, it could be complete incompatibility to be in the same area in some cases.

Jaded

I used to wonder if I were jaded.  I'd see others and you can tell right away that they were jaded.  I wasn't like them, maybe at some point I was, but that had passed.  I was, in my complete conscious awareness, happy with being single.  And not happy in a way that meant I liked being alone, but I was happy because no other romantic addition could improve it.

Maybe that, in of itself, is another subversive version of being jaded.  Of course happy moments come and go, and those moments are best when shared with people you care about, of which I am in no short supply.  But is there a segment of your heart that is left wanting?  But you ignore it due to complications from past experiences and you are naturally averted from entering into that process of thought.

Somehow both believing in love and not are acts of self-denial.  To believe in love is to deny and, in some cases, defy some area of logic.  To be apathetic would be to ignore the gentle draw of that vacant area of your passions.

To be jaded in regards to love and relationships is to feel apathetic, unenthusiastic, or ambivalent towards the prospects of some romantic level of connecting.  At times it may feel hopeless.  I believe we've all been there.  That terrifying thought of never feeling that weird uncontrollable passion again...and it overwhelms you.  You spend quiet lonely moments grazing the field of broken, tainted memories.  The perfect hopes of some bizarre universe where all dreams come true are rendered worthless, futile.  You press on, hoping to emerge once again with that lost innocence, that ability to feel that pure irresistible bliss.

Love, just as most things in life, is a journey, and journeys are never a straight line.  I'm looking out my window today and it's cold, dreary, grey.  Snowbanks have become filthy from the brake dust of cars meandering through the city streets.  And today is considered nice.

It will happen.  Don't give up.  One day that person will enter your life as no one else has ever before.  You feel a cold tense sweat come on because your heart is suddenly drenched in adrenaline.  Smiling without knowing it, tingling in your veins, unconscious fantasizing of your affections.  Nerves on edge, impatience, a dull gentle longing that you can't shake.  If, after all that tribulation you've been through, you find yourself hopelessly hopeful, you're probably worth the love of that other person.