Jaded

I used to wonder if I were jaded.  I'd see others and you can tell right away that they were jaded.  I wasn't like them, maybe at some point I was, but that had passed.  I was, in my complete conscious awareness, happy with being single.  And not happy in a way that meant I liked being alone, but I was happy because no other romantic addition could improve it.

Maybe that, in of itself, is another subversive version of being jaded.  Of course happy moments come and go, and those moments are best when shared with people you care about, of which I am in no short supply.  But is there a segment of your heart that is left wanting?  But you ignore it due to complications from past experiences and you are naturally averted from entering into that process of thought.

Somehow both believing in love and not are acts of self-denial.  To believe in love is to deny and, in some cases, defy some area of logic.  To be apathetic would be to ignore the gentle draw of that vacant area of your passions.

To be jaded in regards to love and relationships is to feel apathetic, unenthusiastic, or ambivalent towards the prospects of some romantic level of connecting.  At times it may feel hopeless.  I believe we've all been there.  That terrifying thought of never feeling that weird uncontrollable passion again...and it overwhelms you.  You spend quiet lonely moments grazing the field of broken, tainted memories.  The perfect hopes of some bizarre universe where all dreams come true are rendered worthless, futile.  You press on, hoping to emerge once again with that lost innocence, that ability to feel that pure irresistible bliss.

Love, just as most things in life, is a journey, and journeys are never a straight line.  I'm looking out my window today and it's cold, dreary, grey.  Snowbanks have become filthy from the brake dust of cars meandering through the city streets.  And today is considered nice.

It will happen.  Don't give up.  One day that person will enter your life as no one else has ever before.  You feel a cold tense sweat come on because your heart is suddenly drenched in adrenaline.  Smiling without knowing it, tingling in your veins, unconscious fantasizing of your affections.  Nerves on edge, impatience, a dull gentle longing that you can't shake.  If, after all that tribulation you've been through, you find yourself hopelessly hopeful, you're probably worth the love of that other person.