Being single is not an individual status(pardon the pun). In fact, there are several modes of being "single". I find it strange that often times the status of being single is a negative one. People see it as a sad state of being, especially from your condescending supposedly happily married friends. Some of the best times of my life were had because I was single. So, it's safe to say that there are many attitudes towards this status. Here are a few:
First there are the ones that say things like, "I'm open to a relationship but I haven't met anyone special yet." They are either lying because there is someone special and they don't want to admit it or they're telling the truth and they're satisfied with what they're getting out of life. I have been both. Early on, when the hormones are flooding our veins and libidos thundering in our loins, I thought I had met the one. It was all new to me and approaching a woman and exposing my feelings was way too terrifying so I kept my mouth shut and let her slip away and into some other dude's arms. Lesson learned. Of course, as we get older this situation can be much more complicated but it usually just comes down to whether a man can be man enough to express his feelings to a girl regardless of the possibility of rejection.
The second group are the ones that like being single. They enjoy relations without the complications of relationships. By "relations" I mean one night stands, booty calls, and immigrant prostitutes(the natives are too expensive that you might as well be spending the money on dates). This group invented the line, "I'm not looking for anything serious right now." That line is a clear indication of what they're after, an uncomplicated physical relationship. What's strange is that a few people, I hate to generalize but mostly women(sorry, I don't have much experience with men), hear this and see it as a challenge. As if this line was a dare and the person takes it upon themselves to get them into a relationship. They tease and please their way into our schedules. And after some time, maybe out of frustration, they corner you into a "state of the union" conversation*. Where you're forced to painfully and strategically articulate your lack of romantic interest. Obviously, I have or may still be part of this group.
Thirdly, there are the ones that bitch and moan about being single but don't date. It's kind of confusing and I don't really get them. They flip flop a lot, they want to be setup, but not with him, they want to meet a girl but turn down every single one that crosses their path. Either, A. they're super picky, B. gay and still in the closet or C. they're secretly hooking up with a member of the second group. I have never been one of these, except for the secretly hooking up part.
In the fourth group we have people who are involuntarily single. They desperately want to be in a relationship but can't find a suitable partner. They explore every avenue of finding "the one" or "oh God please, anyone!" They mope about as if their single status is some sort of life-threatening affliction. I call them "sad single". In reality, it could be many other possible reasons they can't find someone special. A common one is that their baggage is in plain sight. Whether they're wearing it on their sleeve or slapping it across your face with it, most people flee from large amounts of relational baggage. I once went out on a date with someone and they were eager to be in a relationship again, but their baggage was too much. She criticized almost every opinion that I had, became defensive to most personal questions I asked. I could taste her bitterness in my chicken piccata. I have had baggage, and may still have some, but if finding love is a journey the airlines will eventually lose them for you.
This last group I'll talk about is the exact opposite of the fourth group. On the other side of the spectrum are the misogynists and man-haters ("angry single"). They despise the opposite sex so much that some consider becoming gay and a few actually make a trial run at it. Typically they don't like to talk about their time on the other side, so I don't have much insight on that. This attitude is usually the result of some drama-trauma. I got burned pretty bad once. It was quite an act of manipulation and betrayal on her part and the realization was quite infuriating. I became very cynical and despised women. I got into this habit of having these really awkward encounters with women at bars/clubs. They usually went like this:
Me: Hi, how's it going?
Girl: Good, yourself?
Me: FUCK YOU SLUT!
And then I'd just calmly walk away. It didn't always go like that. Sometimes I'd use bitch and whore. My friends found it wildly amusing, but really I was dying inside. It's safe to say that I grew out of it and I am back to my normal self... You ugly whore!**
Anyway, I think that covers a lot of people but I'm sure there are more.
*For those of you who don't know what the "state of the union conversation" is, they are conversations that typically start with questions like, "Where is this going?" or "What are we?" My favorite response to give to "where is this going?" is, "This is going to Pleasuretown."
**Just kidding!
Friday, November 27, 2009
Showing your cards
Everyone in the dating world is playing a game. Even the ones that say, "I don't like playing games" play games, they just don't like the rules by which others play. "Game" is a bit of a misnomer since it implies the goal is to win and defeat the other, which can be the case for some but not for those who are searching for a deep and wholesome relationship. And maybe that's it, finding the right partner that plays the same game by the same rules and you both win. Some say dating is a dance. A dance of love if you will. And in dancing and playing games participants must make sound judgements, precise movements and proper reactions to everything that is going on around them. This is not always the case, at least for me it isn't. I usually fumble the ball, make ridiculous misperceptions and false judgements.
Sometimes you start dating someone and it ends and you don't really understand what really happened. You're left confused, lonely and no one to take to the Sara Bareilles concert(you take your male roommate and feel really gay). When those mini-breakups happen I've learned to chalk it up to a mismatch of our games.
A while ago, I had an on-again-off-again type relationship that spanned about 10 years. We dated for six months in high school and got together again about every 2 years after. In between we were just friends. Every time it fell apart I reasoned that it was circumstance or that we were better off being friends. The last time we got together I thought the timing was right. So then, I decide one day to write her a nice email expressing my appreciation for her and how I've enjoyed my time with her. A week went by and nothing. I asked my female friend about this unexpected radio silence and she wanted to know what I said in the email. Then I told her, and after she laughed her ass off for a good 5 minutes, she informed me that I had broken up with her. When I thought I was sending her a nice, loving note about how I felt about her, I was actually dumping the woman. WTF? I guess that in between the lines of what I wrote I was basically saying good bye. The girl didn't really give me a chance to explain myself and she was already moving on when I finally caught up with her. My friend still gives me shit about it to this day.
Anyway, I pondered what could've been done better or differently to have saved it from ending, not just that instance but all the past ones as well, but I realized I was just being myself and so was she. Though we were always drawn to eachother through the years our rules or the game we played never allowed us to be happily together. There are no regrets here. I've come to learn the importance of expressing your feelings. If a relationship seems to be fizzling out but you don't want it to, show your cards. Tell them how you feel, it's your last ditch effort at pursuing happiness with that person. Just don't make sure it doesn't seem like you're breaking up with them!
Cheers!
Sometimes you start dating someone and it ends and you don't really understand what really happened. You're left confused, lonely and no one to take to the Sara Bareilles concert(you take your male roommate and feel really gay). When those mini-breakups happen I've learned to chalk it up to a mismatch of our games.
A while ago, I had an on-again-off-again type relationship that spanned about 10 years. We dated for six months in high school and got together again about every 2 years after. In between we were just friends. Every time it fell apart I reasoned that it was circumstance or that we were better off being friends. The last time we got together I thought the timing was right. So then, I decide one day to write her a nice email expressing my appreciation for her and how I've enjoyed my time with her. A week went by and nothing. I asked my female friend about this unexpected radio silence and she wanted to know what I said in the email. Then I told her, and after she laughed her ass off for a good 5 minutes, she informed me that I had broken up with her. When I thought I was sending her a nice, loving note about how I felt about her, I was actually dumping the woman. WTF? I guess that in between the lines of what I wrote I was basically saying good bye. The girl didn't really give me a chance to explain myself and she was already moving on when I finally caught up with her. My friend still gives me shit about it to this day.
Anyway, I pondered what could've been done better or differently to have saved it from ending, not just that instance but all the past ones as well, but I realized I was just being myself and so was she. Though we were always drawn to eachother through the years our rules or the game we played never allowed us to be happily together. There are no regrets here. I've come to learn the importance of expressing your feelings. If a relationship seems to be fizzling out but you don't want it to, show your cards. Tell them how you feel, it's your last ditch effort at pursuing happiness with that person. Just don't make sure it doesn't seem like you're breaking up with them!
Cheers!
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
[sic]
So, hopefully the first of many posts on this blog. Probably not an original idea, but at my friend's request I am finally starting it.
Who am I to think that starting a blog is a good idea? I'm not a bestselling author of a book that describes our genders as beings from different planets. Though a friend refers to me as the "Date Dr." I have no doctoral degree that is recognized by any accredited institutions of our country. Considering that I'm currently single I'm probably the least qualified to offer whatever it is I intend on sharing with you. I'm just someone in their late 20's that has been in the dating world for over a decade now. I've been on countless 1st dates and 2nd dates...3rd dates, not so much. Anyway, I think I've done enough to offer some insight or, at the very least, let you know that you're not alone in the search for something... special.
What do I have to offer? Well, maybe some opinions on what to drink on a first date or whether going to a strip club on a first date is a good idea (the answer may surprise you). I can be an ass sometimes, but I'm ok with you laughing at me. I don't get embarrassed very easily. I went through a misogynistic phase in my life where I was walking down a public street with my pants down yelling very "misogynistic" obscenities to women around me(I'll blog about that later). That is not where it all starts, but this is not chronological either. If any readers out there have any questions I'm willing to answer them as well.
Why? Like I said, I'm a late 20's singleton and I do nothing but work and date. Ok, that's a lie, I have friends and hobbies, but the dating sector seems to be emphasized these days. Mainly due to my conservative immigrant grandparents heckling me to get married or else I'll die. Ok, they don't say I'll die, but they have that sort of urgency when they do talk about it, which is freakin' often.
Where do I live? I live in sunny Southern California, where the women are hot and they know it. Cars don't rust and everything is pretty, shiny and new. It's a nice place to live but it has it's downsides. We won't go into that cuz it's not really relevant, at least in this blog entry.
How? With one body, two arms, 10 fingers and a computer with an internet connection. Pretty simple, right? Next entry to come shortly, stay tuned.
Cheers!
Michael
Who am I to think that starting a blog is a good idea? I'm not a bestselling author of a book that describes our genders as beings from different planets. Though a friend refers to me as the "Date Dr." I have no doctoral degree that is recognized by any accredited institutions of our country. Considering that I'm currently single I'm probably the least qualified to offer whatever it is I intend on sharing with you. I'm just someone in their late 20's that has been in the dating world for over a decade now. I've been on countless 1st dates and 2nd dates...3rd dates, not so much. Anyway, I think I've done enough to offer some insight or, at the very least, let you know that you're not alone in the search for something... special.
What do I have to offer? Well, maybe some opinions on what to drink on a first date or whether going to a strip club on a first date is a good idea (the answer may surprise you). I can be an ass sometimes, but I'm ok with you laughing at me. I don't get embarrassed very easily. I went through a misogynistic phase in my life where I was walking down a public street with my pants down yelling very "misogynistic" obscenities to women around me(I'll blog about that later). That is not where it all starts, but this is not chronological either. If any readers out there have any questions I'm willing to answer them as well.
Why? Like I said, I'm a late 20's singleton and I do nothing but work and date. Ok, that's a lie, I have friends and hobbies, but the dating sector seems to be emphasized these days. Mainly due to my conservative immigrant grandparents heckling me to get married or else I'll die. Ok, they don't say I'll die, but they have that sort of urgency when they do talk about it, which is freakin' often.
Where do I live? I live in sunny Southern California, where the women are hot and they know it. Cars don't rust and everything is pretty, shiny and new. It's a nice place to live but it has it's downsides. We won't go into that cuz it's not really relevant, at least in this blog entry.
How? With one body, two arms, 10 fingers and a computer with an internet connection. Pretty simple, right? Next entry to come shortly, stay tuned.
Cheers!
Michael
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